“Am
I a fool at this late date
To
heed a voice that says
that you can be great
I
heard it young, now I hear it again…”
John
Gorka, Morningside
This
song by John Gorka kept playing in my head this morning as I did my six miles
to Starbucks and back. Tomorrow I turn 62, not a spectacular date, like 65 or those
years ending in zero. But I have been thinking about it, more so than most
birthdays.
Someone
recently told me that “60 is the new 40,” whatever that means. I said, “Great!
I guess that means we all have to work another 25 years.”
To
be honest, I’m not counting my years to retirement, nor looking to do it any
time soon. I think I’ll work until my job is through, then find another way to
serve.
I
have been thinking about what I am doing with my life for the last couple of
years. Like Gorka’s song, I’ve been hearing something inside me that I heard
when I was young. It’s not that I want to be great, not even have any illusions
of greatness. But I want to make a difference. I always have. My greatest fear
for many years was that I would get to the end of my life and, after having the
proverbial passing of my life before my eyes, I would think “None of it made any
difference.” Then I would die. My teen years were about being a rebel. Ask my
family. Or the the high school administration that kicked me out of school a
record 23 times. My 20’s and 30’s were concerned with making a difference. I
became a United Methodist pastor for many reasons, one of which was I thought
the church was in the business of making a difference in the world. I thought
that through this system, the UMC, we could make a difference. Bring justice,
forgiveness, hope, peace, love, acceptance. “ …to proclaim good news to
the poor…. freedom for the prisoners…recovery of sight for the blind…to set the oppressed free... to proclaim the year of the
Lord’s favor.” (Luke 4:18-19) This system called the United Methodist
Church, and all the churches that were a part of it, would be making a
difference in the world.
Somewhere along the way, I gave up on the system. Institutional
survival seemed to be the highest order. As one denominational leader told me, “Of
course we have to focus on keeping the church alive. If the church dies, then
so do all the ministries it supports. It’s like we’re a ship at sea. Your first
order of business is to keep the ship afloat.” So much for that “he who seeks
their own life will lose it, but he who loses his life for my sake and the
gospel, will save it.” Who said that?
I never gave up on local churches, though. In them I saw, for the most
part, people who wanted to make a difference in this world, too. So I looked to
them, and focused on them. Institutions, by their very nature, look to preserve
themselves. Years ago a very good friend, an older gentleman who I dearly
loved, but disagreed with on almost every thing political, asked me if I knew
what the number one priority of any political party was. He then told me, “To get
in power.” He then asked if I knew what the number two priority was. He told
me, “To stay in power.” Serving people, he said was way on down the line. Same
goes for business. Same goes for church hierarchy.
But
I have found joy and peace in the churches I serve.
Another
song lyric went through my head as I walked.
So
you pretend not to notice
That everything has changed
The way that you look
And the friends you once had
So you keep on acting the same
But deep down in your soul
You know you, you got no flame
And who knows then which way to go
Life is short even in its longest days
That everything has changed
The way that you look
And the friends you once had
So you keep on acting the same
But deep down in your soul
You know you, you got no flame
And who knows then which way to go
Life is short even in its longest days
John
Mellencamp, Longest Days
(Why
is it that the musicians that I listen to most these days are names John? John Gorka,
John Mellencamp, John Denver, John Mayall, John Coltrane, John Lennon,
John(athan) Munn, Johnny Cash, Johnny Nash, the list could go on. For my
friends named John, don’t get a big head. Your name is also what we call a
toilet.)
Mellencamp
seemed pretty depressed. Might be because of his heart problems. But whatever
it was, I know some of his feelings. Life is short, even in its longest days.
But….
Something
in me has come alive that I felt in those early days. I want to make a
difference.
Things
have gone pretty well for me lately. I have a lovely wife who loves me far
beyond comprehension. I have reconnected with some friends from the past, one
back to the summer of 1972, and another who was born 8 days before me and is
one of my heroes. A few clergy friends have stuck by me through thick and thin,
and many others have tolerated me. A few have even forgiven me, which speaks
worlds for them.
I
have been very fortunate in the churches I have served. I have loved every one of
them. Not every one has had the same measure of success (however you would
measure that), but every one is one I would go back to. Not so with many of my
minister friends. Some have had such painful experiences they will not even go
back to a particular town. I have been very lucky. Or blessed.
And
the church I serve now is incredible. (See my reflection, 13 Reasons Why I Love My Church.)
I do not know when my time here will end, but it will be a good place to end.
Not
that I want it to end soon. This stirring, this desire to make a difference,
burns deep within me. Gorka’s voice rings in my head-
Don't want to
waste what I have to give
In all of the time that I've left to live
Don't want to
waste what I have to give
In any of
the time that I've got left
I can do more than I thought I could
Work brings more luck than knocking on wood
There's random
bad and random good
Work brings more good luck, good luck
Good luck
I hope it’s
true that 60 is the new 40. I want those extra 25 years. Maybe I can make a
difference. I plan to try.
Happy
birthday.
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